We’ve all seen some fierce job titles, haven’t we? Officer of this. Deputy Director of that. Chief of this. Vice President for that. Brand Ambassador. And of course, the perfectly ambiguous “Partner” – my personal choice for freelancing.
It is with the utmost humility that I hope to meet a Chancellor of Design.
Until then, here are a few titles of this ilk – and a horoscope for each. There wasn’t time to write about all of them, so if you’re not on here, just let me know.
Ideation Executive Associate
First of all, don’t let the Executive part be confusing. You’re not an executive. Notice the lack of a company car. It’s based on the idea of execution. Lucky for you, that means getting things done. You won’t be shot by a Spanish Armada. You report to the Chief Imagineer.
Your horoscope: Save for a rainy day, spend on a sunny day. Love is in the air. Carbon dioxide is also in the air, so be careful. It is only by climbing the mountain that you can truly see how far you have come. Start with the bunny slopes.
Deputy Director of Expressions
You’re very fluent in corporate dialects, and often use the phrase, “Have that conversation”. You have some background in sports, which already makes you a team player. You’re not that good at communication, but that’s OK, because you deal in communications with an “s”. You report to the Sheriff of Communications.
Your horoscope: You have the ability to make people smile. I mean, you can force them. People admire your taste in music. Avoid Bob Marley. If you are seeking engagement, look outside of work. Please. And try a measuring tape when you measure audiences, Captain Obvious.
Any time the creative team has an idea, your important duty is to explain it to the executive team – and vice versa. It can get hectic when both teams are in the same room, and that’s when you help the most. You can translate between disco-jelly metaphors and five-word bullet points. You report to the Ministry of Concepts.
Your horoscope: Sales up, people are happy. It’s like if you melted a chocolate tree and then spun the melted chocolate into strings that made a crystal and froze that, it would be “re-organized”. You will not sleep soon.
Class-5 Public Information Worker
In your nation, public information work is based on participation – in which councils are organized by a floating-union leaderless syndicate platform vote, with equal distribution of tasks marked by level of desirability, as set forth by a minimally hierarchical recognition of innate rights. You report to the Class-6 Public Information Worker of your locale, with garbage duty on Tuesdays.
Your horoscope: All horoscopes are equal.
Did I miss yours?
Let me know by tweeting to @advertisingweek.
See you in October!